A Tale of Heartache (PG for teenage thinking)

[Jahanara]

It was just a normal day at work. I was stuck standing behind a cash register, scanning bar codes, weighing produce, dealing with picky customers. Not boring, but not exactly fun, either. My legs would have been stiff, but I kept shifting my weight, changing how I stood. At times I was even stood with my legs crossed-sounds strange, I know, but it was oddly comfortable. I glanced up at the sound of carriages being pushed in from outside. Then, I looked back down, disappointed. It wasn't him.

After a while, things slowed down. I had no customers, so I occupied myself with cleaning my register; all that leaking meat and fish made a mess, as well as wet produce. Yucky yuck yuck. I was down on the express isles, and the next cashier was a few registers away, dealing with a fairly large load of groceries, but she had a bagger, so I could just stand there. I stared at the doors, willing him to come in. A few minutes later, he did. I had been smuggling a few M&Ms out of my pocket, as I was fading fast and needed a sugar rush. The sound of 5 or 6 carriages coming through the doors, with a person behind it, banged on my eardrums. I stood up quickly, making sure my flyaways weren't more haphazard than usual.

It was him. Just the sight of him made my knees wobble, made my heartbeat speed up. I could feel my stomach twisting into knots as I stood there, contorting itself into who knows what. It gave the illusion of butterflies. I stared at him. Stared and stared. I just couldn't tear my eyes away. That is, until he looked up. Our eyes met, but for not more than a millisecond. I looked away. I was a little scared that he had caught me staring, but not much. I was actually hopeful...maybe, just maybe, since he caught me watching him, he knew I existed...

--to be continued--

[Jahanara]

The rest of the day went pretty much the same. Every time he came in, I felt myself melting, and if he looked up, I looked away. Then, he would go back outside, and I would secretly berate myself for not flashing a cute smile when he looked up, or something of that nature. I would think of the first time I saw him, the time when this whole mess started...

I came into the store and went up to the spot where we punch in. I passed registers on my way there and noticed a new kid bagging. I thought nothing of it. After I punched in and came down the stairs, I walked right to a register that needed bagging (at the time, I was not yet a cashier). I glanced at the register next door, at the new kid, then returned to bagging. I did a double take. This kid was gorgeous. My jaw dropped slightly, but I caught it before it became noticable. I removed my gaze from him and continued bagging, all the while thinking, Who is that and why haven't I seen him around before??? Later, I was bagging for my friend, Vicky, and I said, "Hey, see that kid bagging on 12? Isn't he hot?" I was all excited that a hot guy worked here, too. Vicky replied, "I dunno, he looks kind of doofy to me..." I shrugged it off and said, "Hey, he's a guy, he can't help it!" The remainder of the day I kept stealing glances at him, fantasies forming in my mind of meeting him, talking to him, and later, entrancing him. Being friends was my first goal, as that would be the best way to get to know him...

Now, it's weeks later, and I still haven't spoken to him. I had had two opportunities; one, when I went on break with Vicky and he and his friend, Jeff, were on break, too. I didn't say anything, as I didn't want Vicky to get suspicious. I knew that if I told anyone who worked here, too, the secret would not be secret; on the contrary, rumors would fly around, going from person to person faster than a wildfire during a drought. I had seen it happen to others, and it wasn't going to happen to me. The next time I was punching in, and he and Jeff were looking at the schedule. His name was right above mine, so I could always find out when he was working and plan my grand introduction. Anyways, so I went and stood next to him, gave a little smile--a shy one, which is weird for me--said hi, and looked at my own name. I put my finger on it nonchalantely, hoping he would notice and, well, I don't know, say something...

But, alas, I had planned so many scenarios in my head for every time I would see him, then every time I had the chance, I froze up. I couldn't do anything; I was just so afraid. It was a weird feeling for me...a bad feeling...I had never before developed a crush on someone who was not at least a social friend of mine. No, this was different. This was mainly physical attraction, so I am not going to call it love, but I agonized for hours, angry with myself for being scared. I both desired and dreaded the days when he worked at the same time as me...

--to be continued--

[Jahanara]

...I was at work, cashiering. He came over and bagged for me. Instead of using the bagging station at the end of the register, he used the one next to the cashier...I was jittery from him being so close to me, but I soon relaxed. He was hitting on me!! I mean he was flirting like crazy! I felt his arm brush mine, his leg touch mine. I was short of breath, my knees were buckling. I looked into his eyes and felt like I was getting lost in them. He was very, very close to me. We gazed at each other, he moved closer, our noses were inches apart, I could feel myself melting...then, I woke up. I was in a lovely mood for the rest of the day. So far, that's my favorite dream. But it was just a dream. Just a dream...

The following day, I had no work...a miracle in itself. It was a nasty day out--hot and humid, overcast, with on and off rain. I watched tv for a while, but got bored, so I decided to indulge in Disney. Disney movies always make me feel better...I watched the Lion King 2 and Beauty and the Beast, and while feeling better, I was still slightly depressed. I went up to my room and pulled the seventh Everworld book off of my shelf--it was the next one in the series I hadn't read. While I read, I blasted music. While listening to the Kelly Clarkson "Breakaway" cd, I discovered a song that I could totally relate to...

Hear me I'm crying out, I'm ready now,
Turn my world upside down, find me,
I'm lost inside a crowd, it's getting loud,
I need you to see I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me...

Then, I turned on my Clay Aiken cd...I had heard one of his new hits on the radio at work, and it had touched me, like "Hear Me" by Kelly Clarkson had...

If I was invisible,
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invincible,
I'd make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable,
Then I could just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
Wait, I already am...

Aside from the "man" part, that was another song that displayed my feelings. They still do. Disney, blasting music, reading...all short term remedies for my depression on this subject. Short term. Temporary. Not permanent, not even long lasting. The memory of my cowardice continued to haunt me, to the point where I drew myself into seclusion for periods of time...a few hours, usually, but sometimes an entire afternoon. I would lie awake until 1:30 in the morning, unable to sleep from my preoccupation.

But I went on with my life. I started cross country, which helped me sleep. I went on vacation to New Hampshire for a long weekend, and spotted some cute guys while there, which took my mind off of him for a while. But, I still find myself daydreaming of him whenever my mind is idle...

--to be continued--

[Jahanara]

Great. Work again. Only this time, my buddy Susie and I will be arriving at S&S before my shift starts...his starts an hour before mine. Susie has been dying to see what he looks like after listening to me rant about him on AIM--he doesn't go to our school, he attends a private school. Which totally sucks, but that is beside the point. So, we arrived about 40 minutes or so before it was time for me to punch in. First, I got a little banking done, then we went and sat on the benches outside. This was the beginning of our stalking expedition--he pushes carts outside.

While out there, he and Jeff walked by us, then, seeing me out of uniform (and in a cute tank top, might I add), Jeff asked, "Are you still working here?" I replied, "Yes, my shift just doesn't start until one." He was looking at me--obviously, I mean, I was the one talking, right?--which was nice. I mean, he FINALLY saw me in something other than my ugly green shirt. ;D Jeff was giving me a really weird look, a mixture of smirking/supressing laughter/meanness. Only mostly mean. So I said, miffed, "What?!" but he just shook his head and they walked away. I turned to Susie and said quietly, "So, what do you think?" And she gave a big smile and said, "Man, you were right!" We giggled for a bit, then went inside and looked at a few magazines.

We still had 15 minutes or so, so we each bought a Snapple and went back outside, sitting down again. We watched him push carts and just chatted about how incredibly annoying hormones were. Then, my dad came and picked her up, and I went upstairs to punch in. The day passed mostly uneventfully, except for a couple things. First, another guy, Dean, came through my line on his break. We were just chatting, he's a social friend of mine, and he came by my register and just looked at Dean, then shook his head, as if saying, "You're pitiful." Then, Jeff gave me two more of those weird looks; the second time it was more of a smirk, and the third time, supressing laughter. Boys are so, so strange...

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Today, I was back at work again. It was fun, since Summer and my cousin Zack were at registers right near me, so at the slow parts we just hanged out and chatted. It was fun. Then there were the times when he walked by and I stared again. He is so hot...

Break time rolls around, and I gratefully go upstairs to the conference room. Zack is in there, and we're just chatting, hanging out. Zack's a pretty cool guy...people thought he liked me for a while, but we squashed those rumors easily. "We're cousins, that's just creepy!!" Anyways, so Zack just randomly started dancing, and I started cracking up. He started telling me how at the reception to a wedding that he had been to the other day, his uncle's friend's girlfriend was all drunk and was grinding on him. I was just like, "Uh...ew!" And I laughed and proceeded to admit--with pride--that I have never grinded with a guy. Me and my friends just dance. Guys have attempted to dance up on us, but we just stop and look at them like, "Go away, freaks" and they leave.

I also said told him that I had only been to 3 dances with a date in my life. We started talking about the whole teenage romance thing and how annoying it was. I said, "Yeah, I'm ready to give up on the romance thing. It never works." I shrugged and continued to say, "I mean, I like someone...well, I can't say I like him really, since I haven't talked to him all that much..." Zack pressed me, asking, "Oh, who is it! Come on, tell me!" I said, "No way! You know him!" So he said, "Wait, does he work here?" I don't know why, but I said yes. So he kept at it.
"Is it Jeff?"
"Ew, no!"
"Dean?"
"No!!"
"Come on, tell me!"
"No way!"
"Tell me, or I will tell everyone that you like Dean."
There, he got me. Dean was nice and all, but I most certainly did not like him...not like that. So, I sighed, and admitted who it was. He just looked at me, incredulously, so I said, "Well, I think he's really good looking..." I could feel myself blushing, and Zack just shook his head. I said, "DON'T TELL HIM!" and he said, "Don't worry, I won't...I'll tell Jeff!" I said, "NO! Oh my God, don't!" I added as an afterthought, "Jeff gives me these really weird looks, like he's smirking, or supressing laughter, or just plain mean..." Zack laughed and said, "I bet he likes you!" I looked horrified and he continued saying, "Hah, but you like his best friend...hahaha..." I made him swear he wouldn't tell, then we both finished up break and went back downstairs.

Later on, I was bagging for Zack, as I had no customers, and he came in. I stared at him for a minute, and he caught my eye. Instead of looking away, I gave a small, shy, quick smile, and went back to my work. However, I continued to look at him after he had looked away. Zack saw me looking and just laughed and shook his head. I said, "You know what, just shut up Zack!" But I was laughing, too. It felt good to tell someone who actually knew him, and I half hoped that Zack would let it slip. Maybe he liked me, too.

The minutes went by, and at a slow time, Zack called Jeff over to him. I turned around and gave Zack a look that said, "What are you doing?!" and he gave a little wink. Oh no... I thought. This could not end well. After Jeff had left, and I was, again, bagging for Zack. I whispered hurriedly, "Please tell me you did NOT just tell Jeff!" And Zack said, "Don't worry, I didn't tell him that you like his friend.." I said suspiciously, "So, what did you tell him?"
"Oh, I said that you like him."
I was mortified. I said to Zack, "Please tell me you are kidding!" And he laughed and shook his head, "Nope." I finished bagging, then said, "Know this, Zack. I will find out where you live. And I will strangle you in your sleep." I was mad, but I was laughing too for some reason. Who knows why.

So the time came to punch out, and I just walked right by Zack. He laughed again. Idiot, I thought angrily. So I marched upstairs and he and Jeff were up there. So I said quickly to Jeff, "Jeff, what did Zack say to you?!" He looked slightly taken aback, as he could probably see that I was pissed. He replied unsurely, "Uh...he just said that he was going to spray me with cleaner..." I rolled my eyes and sighed. "What a moron...I'm gonna kill him..." I muttered. I punched out, then went back down to Zack, hit him, and whispered, "You idiot!" He laughed and said, "You got so worked up, it was funny." I just gave him a mean look and stalked away.

--to be continued--

[Jahanara]

Work, again, only now it's not so bad--I only work on weekends, since school is starting and as I am 15 I can't work after 7pm. Some union-labor-law or whatever. And today, my hair actually agreed with me, and it stayed fairly flat--must have been the lack of humidity. Anyways, so I arrive, punch in, check the schedule, and sure enough--he's working the same shift. Unfortunatly, he had already punched in, so I couldn't try and sneak in one of those chats that I often dream up. I went downstairs and started searching for one of my supervisers.

Once Kevin gave me a home, I went down to register 3 to sign on. But it wouldn't let me sign on. It said I had no cash drawer; I checked, and, yes, I had a cash drawer. I told Kevin, and he fixed it up for me. In the meantime, I looked up every time the sound of carriages coming through the doors met my ears, and almost every time it was him. However, I would gaze only for a few moments. For some reason, I didn't want to look that eager. So, rather than stare and stare and stare, I would glance, and glance, and glance. And on one of those fleeting glances, I could have sworn he was looking my way...

So, my register is fixed, and I checked out a customer. I gave her her change, turned to my printer to tear off the receipt, and found that there was no receipt. I was baffled; I told the woman, "Uh, I'm not sure why, but my printer is refusing to print." She said it was fine, she didn't need it, and left. I tried to start the next customer, only to realize that my register was, again, refusing to work. This time, the screen read, "Device error: printer. Clear to continue." I followed the directions, and alas, my printer needed to reset. It had happened before, and I knew that it would take 5 or 10 minutes. As I was explaining to the customer in line I heard the carriages again; it took a good part of my willpower to resist the urge to look. I helped the customer put her groceries back in the basket so that she could go to the other express line, and in the meantime, stole a glance at "Mr. Hottie," as my friends had dubbed him.

After I had been relocated to register 4 while my register was being stupid, I had some time to spare. Things got really, really slow on the express end. I simply gazed out the window, watching him go about his work. At least he had something to do; he had a friend to chat with while he worked. I mean, I was chatting with Joe, the other express cashier, but he's not exactly my best friend. Just another coworker as bored as I was. Once, he came in, and I caught his eye and gave a smile, albiet a small, shy one. He gave a little smile back, and walked out. I could feel my knees wobbling...

So I stared on, watching him, concocting ways of chatting and possibly flirting with him. Then, it hit me; I had recently made up a role playing website about Star Wars and needed more members. There were only three, including myself. The scenario appeared in my mind and I observed as it unfolded:
(me to Jeff and Nelson) "Hey, guys, I have a quick question. Do you like Star Wars?"
(Jeff) "Not really."
(Him) "Yeah, I like it a lot."
(Me to Mr. Hottie) "I like you already." *cute smile* (to Jeff) "You have problems." *I laugh* (to Mr. Hottie) "Well, I just made up a role playing website about Star Wars, during the Clone Wars. Would you be interested in joining, by any chance?"
(Him) "Yeah, sure, sounds cool," *smiles* "What's the site?" *I give him the site, we part ways, and that's the end of it*.
I spend much of the day invisioning this, and trying to figure out exactly when I would put the plan into motion.
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Someone had left a red basket on the end of my register. Must have been a tourist or something; most locals and the regular shoppers know that the baskets go under the front of the conveyor belt. But whatever. Anyways, I saw this as an opportunity; not for my primary goal to be achieved, as that would take a little too much time for in the middle of working. No, this would just be a chance to fit in a little smalltalk between us, and a chance to show him my dazzling smile. ()

I finished up a customer as he was coming in with a fresh load of carts. I grabbed the red basket and was leaving my register when another customer showed up; I couldn't let this opportunity slide, so I just asked her if she could please wait a moment. She nodded and began unloading while I brought the basket back to its place next to the door. He was adjusting the carts, making sure the lines were mostly even. He looked up as I approached, and we had a little bit of a conversation:
(Me) "Hey."
(Him) "What's up?"
"Not much. How is it outside?"
"It's alright."
"Better than in here, probably. I get the most annoying people..." I rolled my eyes and shook my head a bit, smiling at him. He laughed, and returned the smile. He has such a nice smile...but I barely had time to dwell on this, as I had customers waiting. And he was heading towards the door so that he could get back to work, too. I just waved a little and said, "Later," then began walking back to my register. I heard him say, "Bye," before walking out the doors. My heart was fluttering; I had spoken to him in a fairly calm and sane manner, and even made him laugh. That thought carried me through the rest of my shift.

Around 3, Summer came in. She had the register next to mine. I was so happy; Joe had left at 2 and I was very lonely on register 3 (the printer fixed itself). So, we're talking, and I get a customer; he came in with the carts. This time, I was flat out staring. I had been longing to do so all day, to catch his eye again and smile again. The thought of him makes me smile. Anyways, I was staring and Summer came and started bagging for me--she had no customers--and she said, "Stop staring at him!" in a joking manner. She was teasing me. I had told her the same day I told Zack; she had told me stuff, and I felt that I should return the favor. I trusted her a bit more than I trusted Zack at that point. So I laughed and said, "Hey, it's not my fault! I can't help it!" We giggled a bit and she shook her head, then got back to work. There wasn't much left on the teasing front that day, except he walked by once and I watched him pass us. Summer just raised her eyebrows; she knew better than to comment when he was that close by.
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It came time to punch out. He and Jeff typically punch out as early as possible--7 minutes before the official end of the shift--so I was up there at 7 of, ready and waiting to put my plan into motion. I had to wait a few minutes; he was finishing some things up, I guess. When he came up, by himself, so no interference from Jeff could occur, which was good, we had the following conversation:
(Me) "Hey."
(Him) "Hey."
"Do you like Star Wars?"
"No, not really." Dangit, I thought. Not according to plan. Inside, I was thinking, What is wrong with you?! but instead I said, "Oh. Alright..."
"Why?"
"Oh, well, I made up a role playing website that is about Star Wars, and I'm looking to recruit more members. There are only three; me, one of my friends, and a guy who lives in England." I shrugged and smiled. He smiled, too. On that very good note, I said, "Well, see you later," and went back downstairs and outside to my ticket out of there (aka my mom with the car).

You know, it's really too bad that he doesn't like Star Wars...

--to be continued--
(lol sry for the long post, but hey, it makes for a good read, doesn't it? )

[Jahanara]

Today...what can I say about today? Oh, I know; IT WAS A DISASTER! Or, well, at least close to it.

I show up, punch in, figure out what register I'm at. I'm a tad annoyed that I didn't get the chance to say hi to him, as he hadn't come in yet. I start on my first customer, and while I'm scanning items and stuff, he comes in and goes upstairs. I am unable to tear my eyes away until he is out of my sight, up the stairs and punching out. I returned to my work with a sigh. When he came back down I watched again, I watched until he was out of my range of vision. I was also annoyed about the fact that I was on register 10; almost exactly halfway between the two windows. No chance of watching him outside. And I could only half see each section of carriages; whenever he came in, I could only see him some of the time. Well this sucks... I thought gloomily.

After a little while, Zack came over and was bagging for me. I was amazed that he didn't immediately start ragging on me. Not what I expected. But hey, I wasn't complaining. It didn't last long, though. We chatted, he was saying how he didn't go to work yesterday because he had a football game, when he came into the store, pushing in carts. I looked up and gazed; from this distance, and through this many people, I was sure he couldn't tell I was watching.

Zack said to me, "He just came in the doors..." I replied, "I know, I'm not stupid...what do you think I'm staring at?" He just laughed a little and shook his head.
"You should tell him."
"Uh, tell him what?!" I was slightly alarmed at this suggestion.
"Tell him that you like him."
"No way! I'm way too scared!"
"Why?"
"It's called fear of rejection. Ever heard of it?"
"Yeah, but I don't see what the problem is."
"Look, I've never been like this around a guy. Been so nervous when he's close to me that it takes a lot of willpower to put together a few complete sentences. Do you know how frustrating that is?!"
He just shook his head. "Wow, sounds bad."
"No kidding..." I muttered.

After a while of no chatting, since I had a steady stream of customers, things slowed again. Jeff came in at 2, and when he passed he smirked at me...again! It was really getting annoying. I said to Zack, "Geez, what is up with him? He keeps smirking at me! I don't like it when people give me dirty looks, it bothers me..." Zack just shrugged. I was getting suspicious. But I had a customer to deal with. No time for that now, I had work to do...

Not much else interesting happened that day. It went pretty normal; check out customers, check out Mr. Hottie, be depressed since I have no chance to talk to him. Oh, I'm sorry, one more interesting thing happened--more like I became aware of something that had happened. Zack admitted that he knew why Jeff was always smirking at me.
Zack had told Jeff that I was checking him out.

I was mortified. Part of me wanted to cry. This was not good. Any chance I had with Mr. Hottie was ruined; Jeff will have told him by now the "news" that Zack had conveyed to him. I was so angry at Zack. I asked, "Why do you have to make my life miserable?" His only response was, "I could be doing much worse. Believe me, this is only mild torture." He thought it was funny. Far from it. I was depressed for the rest of the day.

I have made Zack promise to set things straight; I was too chicken to admit the truth myself, in person. I think Zack was starting to feel bad, so he agreed. He agreed to tell Jeff that he only said that to torment me, because I actually like his best friend. I would rather have the truth out there than a lie; I feel kind of bad for Jeff--the poor soul actually thinks that I like him.

I don't like breaking hearts--I've done it before, a few times, and I've felt like total crap doing it. I really don't want Jeff to ask me out or something, and me have to say, "No, sorry, truth is I don't like you. I like your best friend." I know I would hate to be in that position. It's not worth it; it's not worth hurting someone all for the sake of my cousin torturing me over my heartache.

Oh great. School tomorrow. Take a wild frickin' guess at who the whole sophmore class will be talking about.

--to be continued--

[Jahanara]

We're turning into the parking lot, pulling up in front of the store so that I can go start work. I looked up and there he was, with Jeff, getting ready to push some carts into the store when my mom got the car out of the way. I got out, said bye to my mom, and started to make my way towards the doors. I was wearing my cute green tank top again. I waved hi to both of them, and they waved/nodded back, then I went inside and punched in.

After I found a home (register 12), I continuously looked for him as I worked. I was disappointed, as all I was seeing was Jeff coming in. Finally, he came in. I kept staring and staring and staring...then Jenna, who was on 11, asked, "What's that kid's name again? The blonde one pushing carriages?" I replied dreamily, "That's Nelson." Jenna then said mockingly, "Liz, stop staring at him!" (I had told her during school) I laughed and said, "I can't help it..." We laughed and started talking about boys, school, and random other things. Zack was on 5, thank goodness, he couldn't bug me from that far away, but came down to say hi. He stood there for a moment while we chatted, then left. He didn't want to listen to us gossip. It was fun, we just chatted, since it was really slow, and every time he came in I stared.

I had a plan for today. The plan was, ask Jeff if he was single, get Jeff suspicious, Jeff will tell him of his suspicions, and they will figure the whole thing out. Piece of cake, right? Wrong. I was so nervous for the first half of my shift; I worried about getting the opportunity, I worried about Jeff not figuring it out, I worried about not even executing the plan because I might chicken out. Every time I saw him, my stomach leapt, and I wondered, What will he think?

I got a weird signal a while later. Nelson was collecting the red baskets, and I knew there was one under my register. I braced myself, telling myself, "Don't be nervous, just say hi, smile at him, give him a good vibe..." When he got to my register, I said hi casually and smiled (not flirtaciously, just a friendly smile). He just kind of pursed his lips and raised his eyebrows, as though attempting a smile but not quite able to manage it. He left, and I felt myself panicking. What did that mean? Did I do something? Was he just pissed about being stuck at work? Was he too tired to give a proper smile? I think that that is one mystery I will never know the answer to.

Finally, the opportunity to put my plan into action occurred. I went on break, and was sitting in the conference room when Jeff came up. I was slightly irritable to him, as that is how we usually are to each other (not to be mean, it's just funny bugging each other), but instead of returning the bad mood-ishness, he said, "What's the matter with you?" I just sighed and said, "Nothing much. I'm just exhausted and my brain is fried, and I don't really want to be here." He replied, "Oh."

After a few moments of silence, he said, "Zack's been telling me crap again." On Monday, I had told him that Zack was just trying to torture me, and none of it was true. Thankfully, he trusted me more than Zack, and didn't believe Zack anymore. Although, apparently it's an inside joke of theirs now. But whatever. So I asked, "What crap is he telling you now?" He replied, "Same stuff, that you like me and everything." I sighed. Time for a change in plans.

"Zack is only saying all that stuff because I told him who I really like, and he promised not to tell, so just to torment me he is telling you that I like you."
"Who do you like? Someone at school?"
"No."
"Someone here?"
"Yeah."
"Who?"
"You have to guess."
"Ryan?"
"No."
"Nelson?"
At that, I looked down, sighed, and nodded, looking sad. He looked at me incredulously, "Nelson? Why do you like him?" I said, "You're gonna laugh at me!"
"No I'm not."
"Fine. Well, the first time I saw him, which I think was his first day, sometime in the summer--"
"He started with me in March."
"Oh. Well, the first time I saw him this summer, I thought, 'Whoa, that kid is hot!', and since then it has escalated to whenever he like..."
"Walks by you?"
"Yeah, whenever he goes by me, my knees get all wobbly and I get dizzy."
He shook his head at that. I said defensively, "Hey, I can't help it! I blame hormones."
"Well, he has a girlfriend anyways."
I sighed sadly. "I kind of figured..."
Jeff smiled a little, "Actually, he doesn't really."
"Please don't do that."
"Sorry. Well, I think I'll tell him." Jeff looked at me, obviously curious as to my reaction of him telling Nelson. I shrugged. "I don't care."
"Do you want me to tell him?"
"I told you, I don't care, as long as you don't tell him something like I like Dean, or Ryan, or something."
"Really? Why?"
"Because I'd rather have the truth out there than a lie spreading around."
"So is it a yes or a no?" I shrugged. "Okay, I guess I'll tell him then." I acted indifferent, and there was a moment of silence. Then, Jeff said, "Well, I should get back to work..." I said bye, and he went downstairs.

I watched as he went back out into the store, and I watched as he found Nelson, who was getting ready for his break. I watched as Jeff talked to him, and I knew what he was saying without needing to actually hear it. However, Nelson's reaction was unseen to me, if there even was a reaction. If anything, it was probably surprised.

When I went back down from my break and opened up my register again, Jeff was collecting the red baskets. He came by my register and said, "I told him."
I shrugged and sighed, saying, "Well, I kind of feel better now."
"Okay..." He looked at me like I was really weird, and I just shrugged again. He looked at me in a weird way, almost like he was sorry, and went off to finish collecting the baskets. He felt sorry for me; Jeff could tell I was suffering from severe heartache. I guess boys aren't all clueless.

For the last part of my shift, I tried to prepare myself for rejection. I also tried to look a little less eager; for example, since Jeff left at 5, whenever I heard carriages coming in I wouldn't look up unless I could do it nonchalantely, unsuspiciously. Once I think Nelson was looking at me, too, but I'm not sure. Either way, I grew to be fairly depressed, until my shift finally ended and I could leave. Nothing. Nothing at all. He didn't approach me, he didn't taunt me, he didn't look at me like I was crazy, he didn't smirk, nothing. I guess he still has to think about it...who knows...like Jeff said, maybe, just maybe, he might like me, too...

--to be continued--

[Jahanara]

Today was a crap day. I was already in a mood to begin with, for reasons I would rather not disclose. Then, I was almost late for work, since I had a meeting at church about getting confirmed this year that went on and on until it got to be 11:40 and my mom and I had to leave before it was over, as I had work at 12. So I was in a terrible rush, ran home, got changed, grabbed a water bottle, peanut butter crackers, and a few dollars for break and ran back out the door. The crackers were my lunch. I just barely made it to work on time. Then, my day only got worse.

I knew Jeff had told Nelson that I like him; Jeff updated me yesterday. Now, if I was in Nelson's position, I would have been interested in my admirer, at least, wanted to find out more about them and so on. I would have at least looked at him. But not this guy. No, he couldn't be bothered. I was on register 3 today, so he had a perfect view of me (and I of him ). But every time he came in, I either tried to catch his eye or just acted like I hadn't noticed. Either way, he took no notice of me.

I sunk into depression. I couldn't help but think, There is a whole in my chest where my heart should be, because someone has ripped it out, and he doesn't even care that he did it. I asked Jeff, "What the hell is going on?!" and he just shrugged me off. I persisted, saying, "I guess he doesn't like me, then. Right?" Jeff shrugged again replying, "I don't know!"
"They why hasn't he so much as looked at me all day?!"
"I really have no idea!!"
Then, Jeff left to go back outside. Nelson passed my register a few times without a glance to spare. It was really getting to me. Boys are a bloody mystery, that's for sure.

I think he looked at me once, though. I was bagging for Matt, as there was no business on express for a while, and Nelson pushed some carts in. I looked up after a few seconds, and he did too. I caught his eye, and I didn't smile or anything. I was too upset. I just kind of looked at him, inquisitively, I suppose. But he just walked out like nothing had happened. Again, boys are just....argh.

So, punchout time comes, and I am on my last customer. Jeff and Nelson pass by to go upstairs. When I finished up a minute later, I went upstairs myself, taking out my timecard in the process. When I got up there, neither guy had left yet. I wondered why not, but I guess they knew their rides weren't there, so they were just taking their time. I said hi with a smile attached, and both said hi back. Then, I had to sign my timecard, and they were still there. I tried to start up conversation, but Nelson just didn't feel like talking to me, I guess. He left, and Jeff was still examining the schedule. I went up to him and muttered angrily, "Jeff, WHAT is going ON?!" He just kind of shook his head and shrugged (man, he did a lot of that today!) and said, "Well, I'll see you later." I just replied, slightly angry, "Yeah, see you later..."

When I got downstairs and went out to wait for my ride, which was a few minutes late, I saw Nelson and Jeff down at the other entrance, walking out to their rides. I watched, and a sense of longing and despair filled me. Why hadn't he mentioned anything about it all day? I know I would have. As his car drove by, he was talking to his mom, I thought I saw him glance my way, so I gave a little wave. I guess the glance was just a figment of my imagination, since he didn't so much as nod. Why do I bother?

You know, I was searching through avatars and came across one that said, "If you love someone, tell them. Broken hearts are caused by the unspoken words." Yeah, well I've got news for whoever made that up. I told him, or at least had someone else tell him, and guess what? My heart is still broken. And now, it seems that I am pining for him even more. Who knows what next weekend will bring...

--to be continued--

[Jahanara]

Joy. To. The. World. I get to go waste another Saturday at work...normally, I would be psyched, as I would get to see Nelson again. But not this time. No, this time, it's different. Last time I saw Nelson, I had admitted I was attracted to him, and what do you know, he looked at me, like, once...hmm he seems so enthusiastic! Not. So I'm not looking forward to this. All week I've been depressed. I inspire that little attraction in guys? And on top of it all, I've had so much work to do for school, and cross country is just exhausting. So it's finally weekend, I'm tired, stressed, and heartbroken. Things really can't get any worse.

Once I find my home--register 6 today--I notice that Nelson isn't there. I found Jeff and asked him, and Jeff said that Nelson was on vacation or something. Either way, he had the days requested off. For some reason, my mood lifted. I was not incredibly bummed out by this news. In fact, I felt much better. It was as if a weight was lifted off of my chest, and that weight has a name: anxiety. I don't have to confront him today, which is good, as my boldness for the week is still quite low after last weekend. So, I'm cashiering, chatting with other cashiers, and feeling relieved for the first 3 hours of my shift (12-6). Then, at 3, things got interesting.

Two people came in at 3 and had registers near me. One was Chris, who I know from last weekend. We had both been on registers on either side of Jenna, and he had tried to bribe me for my Patriots bracelet. Not a chance. Anyways, so I know him. The other guy is someone named Jamie, who I haven't really talked to, but who is kind of cute--no comparison to Nelson, but he's not ugly or anything. He was on register 8. Jamie got a customer right away; I had no one for the time being, so I went and bagged for him. We started chatting, about school, work, yada yada yada...I found out that he lives fairly close to me, but goes to Stonington, as he didn't want to leave his friends when he moved. I also found out that he is a sophmore, but is 16. I figure it's probably just his birthday was very recent--Jeff just turned 16, too.

Personal info aside, I found that Jamie and I have a lot in common. We both take honors classes, for one thing. For another thing, he seems about as interested in hurricanes as I am. The two of us and a bagger, Deb, had a long conversation about Katrina and Rita and their impact on the south. During this conversation, he had no customers, and Deb was bagging for me. I wondered if he would use the cashier's bagger station, which meant standing close to me. He hesitated, but then just kind of stood off to the side, using that bagging station but not standing in the "cashier spot", if that makes sense. Either way, not close to me.

So on it went. I had a really good time talking to Jamie. Then, it got to a point where both of us were busy, he had a bagger, and I didn't. Now Chris, who was on express at register 4, had no one--business on the express end was slow. He came over to bag for me, and we got chatting, too. He's a funny guy. We were laughing about something or other when someone came into the store. It was a guy, but he was quite weird looking. He had short blonde hair--obviously bleached--, pale skin, and was kind of on the short side. His clothes were odd, too; baggy-ish black hip-huggers and a black muscle shirt that only came to his belly button. Freaky.

This kid was in line for the ATM machine. Chris, while bagging, leaned across the counter and said quietly, "Check out that guy, at the ATM." When I looked over and tried not to laugh, he continued, "Looks like a great boyfriend for you!" That I laughed at and said, "Uh, no thanks, I'll pass."
"He looks like a phag."
"Yeah, kind of."
"Well, he better not hit on me."
"Why not? You guys would be such a cute couple!"
"Ew, that is wrong!"
"Hahaha..."
Then, phagboy was walking around the store, doing some shopping, and Chris said, "Okay, if he comes to my register, you are my pretend girlfriend, okay?"
"Uh...sure...why not?" That was odd.

Later, I was bagging for Jamie again, and I looked up and caught Chris's eye, and he did this thing where he pointed to me, pointed to himself, and crossed his fingers, nodding and smirking. What does that mean? That we're tight? That we're close? Argh. That left me quite confused. When it came time for me to leave, Jamie asked me for my screen name. I gave it to him, and he said he would try to IM me, if he didn't lose the little piece of brown paper bag I had written it on. I got home and was all excited, and I stayed signed on for a while, hoping he would IM me. He didn't. I should have gotten his screen name, too.

After a couple more days, he still hadn't IMed me. This sucks. On the bright side, I think I'm finally getting over Nelson...my heart is healing itself as I have realized that, while Nelson is hot, there are other guys out there who maybe, just maybe, are interested in me. Who knows what will happen next...

--to be continued--

[Jahanara]

You know, it's funny, but my life hasn't been so dramatic lately--probably because I've worked oh, say, once in the past month. But that's okay, it has been a well deserved break. I have gone to Stop and Shop quite often, which is really weird, but whatever. I have seen Jamie, talked to him more, and fallen harder for him. I found out that his parents are making him transfer to Westerly. OH MY GOSH I HOPE HE IS IN SOME OF MY CLASSES!!! Yeah, so, today, I do need to go to good ol' Stop and Shop. So, I hop on my bike (oh why must I be deprived of a license?) and ride from Dunn's Corners to Stop and Shop. A 15 minute ride that's not too bad in the summer/early fall, but it is WAYY too cold out, so I had to wear a hat and gloves. Yay, warmth!

Anyways, so I get there and notice that I have a flat tire. Great. Oh well, more time to spend with Jamie, if he's in there, of course. I walk in and my heart jumps spasmodically--there he is, register 14. And right behind him, Chris. No one else until register 11. So I pick up a red basket and go through the store, buying things for a goodie bag for our last cross country meet, the state meet, which is tomorrow. I finish, and am ready to pay. I come out of an aisle right near Jamie's register to find that he has one person in his line, who has less than 12 things. Yay! So, I get in line and start unloading.

He finishes with the customer and notices that I am there. He said hi, and I said, "Hey. You know, I'm in here way too often. It can't be healthy..." He laughed a bit and agreed with me, then said, "Oh yeah, and I found out that I'm transferring to Westerly next Monday--not this upcoming one, the next one." I simply replied, "Cool," but inside I FREAKED. Hallelujah, he's coming to my school! Very soon, might I add, only a week and...*counts on fingers* 3 days!! YESSS!! We chat for a bit, I invite him to come trick-o-treating on Monday, but he's got plans. Bummer. But oh well, at least I got to see him, right?

I left the store and rounded the corner, then remembered, oh yeah, my tire is flat. Oh bugger. So I call my mom and she says that she'll be there in about 15 minutes. I hung up and got cold very, very fast. So, I went back inside. Jamie has a customer, but Chris doesn't. He motions for me to come closer, so I do, and he says, "Why don't you give your boyfriend a kiss?" and plasters a smirk all across his face. It was then that I remembered, DAMMIT! I told Chris that I like Jamie...let is slip, more like, last weekend when I was working. I just told him to go make out with his girlfriend and leave me alone. I went upstairs to the conference room to use the bathroom.

When I came back down, I started talking to Danielle on register 10. I glanced over at Jamie's register, and he had a customer. Guess who was bagging for him? 3 chances and the first two don't count. If you guessed Chris, pat yourself on the back. Jamie looks slightly confused and curious as Chris excitedly tells him something. Dammit and rayos, I bet he's blabbing! I finish up my conversation with Danielle and Dean, who was bagging for her, and headed down towards Jamie and Chris; neither of them have customers.

I reached 14 and said hi again. Chris was going by Jamie and gave him a little nudge. Oh d**n. Jamie didn't react to the gesture, however. Chris whispered something to me, but I didn't hear it. I knew it was about Jamie, though, as Chris had a wide smirk spread across his face. I was annoyed now; I said, "Okay, well my mom should be here any minute, and I'm gonna go outside so that I don't have to look at you, Chris. Bye, Jamie." And then I walked outside.

So, let's recap: Jamie is transferring to Westerly in a little over a week and, if Chris didn't do it today, he will probably tell Jamie eventually. What will happen now? Hopefully, Jamie likes me back. I am reassured by the fact that, unlike Nelson (the lost cause), Jamie has actually talked with me--like, a lot--so my chances are much higher with him. Oh, God, please let him feel the same way...

Oh boy. Homecoming in a few weeks. *bites fingernails*

--to be continued--

[Jahanara]

Well, the past week has been fairly depressing for me. The chances of Jamie liking me back are a bazillion to one, and, strangely, I was beginning to stop caring by Friday. All through the weekend, I grew exceedingly nervous at the prospect of Jamie starting at WHS on Monday. I kept wondering what to do, constantly debating with myself whether I should ask him to homecoming or not. Sunday night, I talked to him online, and asked if he wanted me to show him around, help him find his classes and stuff. He said yeah, sure, that would be great. Ha.

This morning, I waited out on the walkway between buildings for him--he said he was taking a bus. When he finally got there, I asked if he wanted to go get his schedule and stuff. But no. He was going to have breakfast with a freshman girl who, as far as I know, doesn't have the best reputation on my good-girl scale. Then again, I told myself, Jamie is a partyer--he likes girls like that, girls who will give him ass if he wants them to. So I acted like it was nothing and left to go to the library.

For most of the day, I was pretty upset with Jamie. He barely spoke to me, even when I was attempting to start conversation. Yeah, he was upset about changing schools partway through the year, but would it kill the guy to give one of the few friends he had at his new school the time of day?! I seriously wanted to kick him. I was fairly depressed by the end of the day, and sat silent on the bus home, listening to Kelly Clarkson, wondering, again, if I should still ask him to homecoming...
--------
It's evening now, and I'm on AIM. My friend Joell asked me if I asked my crush to homecoming yet. I said no, that if I do it will be a few days, once he had time to adjust to the new school. I also vented to Joell how pissed I was about Jamie practically ignoring me today. Then, the phone rang.

It's Anne. I got on the phone and said, "Um, we're talking online, so why are you calling me?"
"OH MY GOD, I have something sooo important to tell you! Guess what Joell told me?"
I hesitated. I already knew the answer to this question...well, part of me did. I held my breath for a moment, then said, "Um, what?"
"HAHAHAH!!! He likes you!!"
It was then that my face lit up. The sad weight in the pit of my stomach was lifted and dissolved, my heart floated, and I felt that warm, fuzzy feeling in my stomach that means you're really, really happy. Anne and I squealed for a few minutes, and I admitted that part of me had kind of liked him since the Washington trip, when I had really gotten to know him. Anne giggled some more, then decided to convince him to ask me to homecoming.

It worked. After some persuading on Anne's part, and me telling him that I had decided to give up Jamie, because all it was doing was hurting me, he did it. Joell asked me to homecoming. I said yes, of course. He started saying how he was going to buy my ticket for me and such. I was reluctant, but I decided to let him--yes, I'm being a bit selfish, I know, but he wanted to, so hey, why not? We chatted for a few more minutes, during which time he told me he was happy that I was happy, and he disclosed to Anne another confidential fact that I'm not going to repeat here. Then, I had to sign off, as I hadn't even started my english homework.

So, this is where my tale of heartache ends...for now. I don't know what the future brings, but at the moment, things are looking up, and I haven't stopped smiling since I officically acquired a date to the homecoming dance. And not just that--the part of me that has been fighting my painful desire to be with Jamie has won, and I can move on from him and the pain those feelings caused. If he does actually like me, well, too bad! I'm over him, and that is that.

THE END ;D

((this story is entirely factual, and has been a wonderful way to vent all of my feelings about how annoying boys and hormones can be. i hope you all were entertained at the same time. good night all!))